Leaving, Cleaving

I (very) briefly researched the topic of twenty-somethings and whether, when, and how they tend to leave or cleave in marriage, as living at home and marrying later seems all the rage among twenty- and even thirty-somethings in our 21st century American culture.

From my own observation, it seems 30 is the new 20. Traditional expectations that a person will seek and experience an increasing degree of independence (physically, emotionally, financially) from his or her parents and “leave and cleave” to another similarly-aged person in marriage in one’s early-to-mid twenties have greatly shifted to one’s mid-to-late twenties and even beyond.

It’s as if adolescence (defined in the New Oxford American Dictionary as “the period following the onset of puberty during which a young person develops from a child into an adult” ) has been put on hold…or at least stretched a great deal from its normally-thought-of parameters.

Part of this stretching of adolescence (itself a non-existent delineation before the twentieth century) stems from not treating young adults as, well, adults. According to a 2003 study by the National Opinion Research Center, most Americans today don't consider a person an adult until age 26, or until she or he has finished school, landed a full-time job, and begun to raise a family.

This phenomenon leads to (or is it the result of?) what researcher Pamela Paul calls “permaparenting,” the most blatant manifestation of which is the phenomenon of boomerang kids. According to the 2000 census, 4 million people between the ages of 25 and 34 live with their folks. And yet, as Francis K. Goldscheider writes:

“Much of the research literature views nest leaving by young adults primarily as a normal life course transition. In particular, early departure from the parental home long before marriage has been treated as a beneficial response to the long-term growth in economic resources-a response that increases privacy for adjacent generations. The link between being an adult and residential independence has reinforced the sense that anything that speeds the process is beneficial. Even as a response to problematic relationships that result from changes in family structure, young people's early leaving has been interpreted as the result of the earlier development of ‘a sense of self as separate from family, thus making it easier for children to initiate the transition to independence.’”

If twenty- and even thirty-year-olds are still living with their parents, odds are they’re not getting married and learning to leave and cleave in marriage. And if they’re not getting married and learning to leave and cleave in marriage, odds are they’re missing one of the better and effective means of God’s sanctification for them.